Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: I got this water bottle. When I was on tour opening for Mraz, there was this guy who just came and gave me a bunch of merch for a brand that he called go bananas.
[00:00:10] Speaker B: Love it.
[00:00:10] Speaker A: And he gave me a shirt and a sweater and all these different things. Or maybe it was called banana stand.
[00:00:16] Speaker B: There's always money in the banana stand.
[00:00:18] Speaker A: Yeah. And so I still have this and I don't know whatever happened to that brand or anything, but have you gone bananas? Have I gone bananas? You know what I just realized? We only have four songs on our list left. But that's perfect.
[00:00:31] Speaker B: That's perfect.
[00:00:31] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:00:31] Speaker B: Perfect. Yeah.
[00:00:33] Speaker A: Have I gone bananas? What is that? What does going bananas mean to you?
[00:00:37] Speaker B: Going.
[00:00:38] Speaker A: Going ham.
[00:00:38] Speaker B: I see. Yeah. Going ape shit. Going bananas. Going ham.
[00:00:42] Speaker A: Trying to think what really makes me super excited these days are adults allowed to get excited.
Like, really excited.
[00:00:52] Speaker B: I don't know if I felt pure joy in a while.
[00:01:01] Speaker A: Uh, just another goddamn day.
[00:01:06] Speaker B: Yeah, just another way to feel disappointed. By the end of the day.
[00:01:12] Speaker A: Uh, it's that nine to five barely working trying to just stay alive tryna feel the hip and the grooving jive but nowadays I'm working that nine to five.
[00:01:24] Speaker B: I used to be inspired by staring at a candle fire but now I feel nothing inside every day I want to run and hide when I see.
[00:01:34] Speaker A: Fireworks I'm just like, damn, that's a disappointment to me, my man. Yeah a bunch of loud and pops, yeah. I wish that it would just stop no sense of wonder, no sense of pride nothing but dead behind the eyes, yeah, I'm trying to find a way to be inspired and suddenly I come across a brand new vibe.
It's Saturday and I'm feeling fine oh, it's Saturday suddenly I feel alive.
[00:02:07] Speaker B: It'S.
[00:02:07] Speaker A: Saturday and I'm feeling fine.
[00:02:10] Speaker B: I'm feeling.
[00:02:11] Speaker A: I'm alright, I'm alright, I'm alright, I'm alright, I'm alright. Then it's Monday again I get my work back in the pen. Scribble a little doing the shittle. Make you feel like you're just a little piece of dribble.
[00:02:27] Speaker B: Yeah. I haven't felt okay since I turned 30.
I haven't felt okay since I turn 30. Yo. All I can think about is being cleanly. What happened to my sense of whimsy? I don't.
[00:02:45] Speaker A: I don't. All I think about is being clean every morning. Wake up first thought, damn, I gotta get clean. Cause if I'm not clean, what does it even mean? They turn me into an autonomous machine.
[00:02:59] Speaker B: Being adult is not about the joy. It's about the patients that you employ.
[00:03:04] Speaker A: Being adult is not about the joy. It's about the patience that you employ. Whether you were a little girl or a boy. Eventually they come in. Straight up try to take your soul and straight up try to take your toys. Little wooden blocks for girls and boys.
[00:03:21] Speaker B: Yeah. Don't grow up, y'all.
[00:03:23] Speaker A: Don't grow up. Aw, yeah.
[00:03:25] Speaker B: Don't grow up.
[00:03:26] Speaker A: We have been dealing with that recently. Just that feeling. Yeah, man, that mid thirties feeling.
[00:03:31] Speaker B: It's a tough feeling, you know? Cause it's like, I don't. I don't. I don't want to be a baby about it. People have been this age for hundreds and thousands of years, so it's not that big of a deal. But for me, it is, from my perspective.
[00:03:45] Speaker A: Yeah. It's brand new.
[00:03:46] Speaker B: I used to feel like a fun guy.
[00:03:49] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:50] Speaker B: Like, fun to be around and, like, I'm cool.
[00:03:52] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:52] Speaker B: Like, not even cool. Like, I'm the coolest. The fonz guy, but just like, oh, I deserve it to have, like, a life.
[00:03:58] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:58] Speaker B: And then I've been feeling like, what do you exist for?
[00:04:01] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
[00:04:02] Speaker B: You don't matter.
[00:04:03] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
[00:04:04] Speaker B: You are now creeping into irrelevance, and you cannot stand up to even your peers, so you should just opt out.
[00:04:13] Speaker A: Oh, my God, Jack. Hitting us with the suicidal flow.
[00:04:16] Speaker B: I mean, it's just. It's just. I think it's life, but I think I like to tell myself that those things are normal. I try not to give those things power, even though I do feel them.
[00:04:26] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:04:28] Speaker B: I think it's just a tough. It's a tough feeling, especially doing comedy. I've been, you know, I just. This is my 10th official year in Los Angeles.
[00:04:35] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. It's my 12th.
[00:04:38] Speaker B: And that's a weird feeling to be like, now look at all these young people, right?
[00:04:43] Speaker A: You're not the youngest anymore.
[00:04:44] Speaker B: Not the youngest. And it feels like an enthusiasm has gone down about my. Just my existence. I used to feel like, wow. People would meet me or, like, see me do something, and I'd just be like, it's exciting. I think it's just like, here's this young guy doing something I haven't seen before or haven't seen this guy do it before, and I'm excited. And then now it's like, oh, yeah. I don't know if it's just like, I expect this guy to go to do well, or I expected more from him, or. I'm just not excited about this guy anymore.
[00:05:12] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, you can't be new forever, and that's like, I mean, that's like Hollywood. Living in Hollywood, that's like, the classic thing is like, you're not really supposed to age or change or, you know, whoever's younger, you know, it's like a constant battle about who's gonna be. Who's the youngest.
[00:05:29] Speaker B: Yeah. You know?
[00:05:31] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:05:32] Speaker B: Like, are there any babies in this house?
[00:05:34] Speaker A: Are there any babies in this room?
[00:05:36] Speaker B: I'm looking for children.
[00:05:39] Speaker A: Yeah. Talent scouts out here in any amount, looking for the next big Hollywood star from five to twelve, wherever they are.
[00:05:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:05:49] Speaker A: I'm looking for the youngest face, the.
[00:05:51] Speaker B: Chubby cheeks all over the place. I need you to sell some soap for money. Come on, everybody. I'ma give you honey.
[00:05:58] Speaker A: Are you 33? Get the fuck out the room. Are you 33? You are done. You are soon to be dead as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. Didn't you herd?
[00:06:09] Speaker B: I just turned 35. Got casting directors asking me why I'm still alive.
They want me to exit cause they don't expect shit.
[00:06:19] Speaker A: 28, Leo decap. Yeah. He's never gonna want me in this cap. Yeah. I don't look young. I'm trying to be a boy. Trying to peter pan it, but everyone is annoyed.
[00:06:29] Speaker B: Forbes said, if you're under 30, then you're worth it. And I'm 35.
[00:06:36] Speaker A: Yeah. What's the point of even being alive? Forbes under 30. Forbes under 30 didn't make it. You aren't with shit, Shirley.
[00:06:44] Speaker B: And that's why Forbes straight hurt me. They said, you're not worth anything if you're over 30.
[00:06:49] Speaker A: 30.
[00:06:53] Speaker B: I'm getting old.
I'm up there with, like, William Shatner.
[00:06:59] Speaker A: Yeah, totally. I'm so. Oh, oh, totally. I'm so damn old. Yeah. If you're 16, we're basically the same. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't I join you for a game of mahjong? I know that. That's our game.
[00:07:12] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:12] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:07:13] Speaker B: You know what it's about? I'm up and Denny's getting my early bird discount.
[00:07:18] Speaker A: Yeah. You know me over at the aarp.
Mind meld, brother. Yeah. Can't we stop all of our mothers getting so old, getting so cold? Their fingers are literally cold when I hold them.
[00:07:32] Speaker B: She got cold fingers, but hot flashes. Man, life is full of dashes. Dash to here and dash to there until you're too old to dash, and they don't care.
[00:07:42] Speaker A: Yeah. 1993 used to be a young age for me to be born. You see, now I'm a nineties kid, which makes you old. Used to be a nineties kid would make you bold.
[00:07:52] Speaker B: Yeah. I shaved my facial hair so you can see the grays. And I'm so close to the grave. Yeah.
[00:08:00] Speaker A: I'm so close to the fucking grave.
[00:08:03] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:04] Speaker A: Shout out to me. Dying.
[00:08:05] Speaker B: 1989. Sounds like it was 50 years ago.
It is weird to say I was born in the eighties.
[00:08:15] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:16] Speaker B: That's like, young people are like, what the.
[00:08:18] Speaker A: It's like, I was born in 2003.
[00:08:20] Speaker B: Yeah, dude.
[00:08:21] Speaker A: And I'm an adult.
[00:08:22] Speaker B: It is outrageous.
[00:08:26] Speaker A: Is this gonna be the old grump podcast?
[00:08:28] Speaker B: I know. No, I don't want it to be, but I. You know, I started teaching ten years ago.
[00:08:32] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:32] Speaker B: And now, like, you were, like, a.
[00:08:34] Speaker A: Kid that was teaching kids.
[00:08:35] Speaker B: I was like. I was a baby teaching babies.
[00:08:37] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:37] Speaker B: And now those kids are graduated from college. Like, my first crop of, like, fourth and fifth graders.
[00:08:44] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:08:44] Speaker B: Are. Graduated from college.
[00:08:46] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:47] Speaker B: And.
[00:08:48] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:48] Speaker B: Cause I. It's a weird feeling.
[00:08:49] Speaker A: I used to be a camp counselor, and I, like, I ran into a girl that I camp counseled, and she's, like, fully, like, an adult.
[00:08:56] Speaker B: That is out.
[00:08:57] Speaker A: So weird. She's, like, my peer. I was your camp counselor. You're not ever supposed to be an adult.
[00:09:04] Speaker B: It is weird. And it's weird seeing celebrities age. I know that that's a weird thing. It's like, who cares? And it's true. Who cares? But it's weird seeing people, like, first one popped in my head was Brad Pitt.
[00:09:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:09:17] Speaker B: Cause remember, he was so hot when we were younger. He was, like, one of the hottest celebrities, sexiest man alive, all that stuff. And I think he's still a very sexy guy. But it's interesting seeing, like. Wow. Yeah, he's aging, and it's just. It's what happens. Of course you do. But wait, that's right. If I was 15 looking at you and you were 35, then.
[00:09:37] Speaker A: Now that I'm 35, you're 60 or whatever.
[00:09:40] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. It's a trip.
[00:09:41] Speaker A: Or 50.
It's. It's funny. Yeah. Like, my mom, who will, like, watch, like, see her people she idolized in there, like, 80, 90, and.
[00:09:52] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:09:53] Speaker A: What? That. Or they'll die. What? That was like, he was, like, the young, hot thing when I was a teenager.
[00:09:59] Speaker B: Yeah, you can't be the young, hot thing forever, I guess.
[00:10:02] Speaker A: No, you can try, but you'll have to put a lot of plastic in your face.
Would you ever do that?
[00:10:09] Speaker B: That's what I was gonna ask you.
I don't think I would touch my face.
[00:10:13] Speaker A: Yeah, but you might get, like, a tummy tuck.
[00:10:15] Speaker B: I would do. I think I would do stuff to my body.
[00:10:18] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:18] Speaker B: I've never liked my pec situation. Even when I'm, like, very thin, I got, like, just too much stuff going on up here. And I would just, like, suck and tuck.
Not to share his business out here, but I heard the rumor is the rock had something done like that, too.
[00:10:36] Speaker A: Dude. You would share his. Your close personal friend, the rock. You would share his business.
[00:10:39] Speaker B: Dj, buddy, I'm sorry.
[00:10:42] Speaker A: Time to. Sorry, buddy.
[00:10:43] Speaker B: I will still hang with you if you're willing to hang with me.
[00:10:46] Speaker A: But the pod comes first.
[00:10:48] Speaker B: Yeah, you know, the pod does come first, man. Well, you could be here. But. Don't you sing.
[00:10:52] Speaker A: Don't you fucking sing.
[00:10:53] Speaker B: I swear to God. You're welcome.
[00:10:55] Speaker A: No, no.
Christ, the man can't sing.
[00:11:05] Speaker B: That's not the worst crime in the world, though. No.
[00:11:07] Speaker A: Getting. Getting a little. Getting a little tuck.
[00:11:09] Speaker B: Yeah. What would you get?
[00:11:12] Speaker A: You know, I wouldn't do it, but I understand people who get their limbs lengthened to be taller.
[00:11:19] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh. Yes. I've had that.
[00:11:21] Speaker A: I'm a short guy and I'm barely taller than you. Barely.
[00:11:25] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:26] Speaker A: But, yeah, it's a lot of cultural messaging saying, be taller, be taller, be taller. So, you know, that would probably be the first one that comes to mind. But it's horrific. They like. Yeah, they break your legs and they put steel rods in them. It's like something out of Gattaca.
[00:11:42] Speaker B: Yes, yes, it does. It feels. It feels like a dystopian kind of.
[00:11:46] Speaker A: Yeah, it's very strange. People do it and, you know, they get, like, two or three inches taller.
[00:11:50] Speaker B: And it's becoming very popular. I'm seeing more and more videos on social media of before and afters. Yeah. And it is.
People seem so happy about it, and I thought about that one, too, but it's like the. The recovery. You have to, like, learn to walk again, and there's. There's so many things that go into it and.
[00:12:09] Speaker A: Yeah, for me, right now, not worth.
[00:12:11] Speaker B: It, you know, if I get a.
[00:12:13] Speaker A: Little sadder, you know, we'll see.
[00:12:17] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, I've. I've definitely thought. I mean, it's very expensive, too.
[00:12:21] Speaker A: Oh, is it?
[00:12:21] Speaker B: It's very expensive. I've, like, thought about it. Yeah, yeah, very expensive. And the full procedure to. You need over, like, two years to, like.
[00:12:31] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
[00:12:32] Speaker B: To heal properly because it.
[00:12:33] Speaker A: Right, because you're, like, rebuilding your legs.
[00:12:35] Speaker B: You have to do it multiple times to get a certain height for it. To be, like, worth it. So they have to go in. It heals. Okay. They got to break it again. It's. It's outrageous. And then that all the.
[00:12:45] Speaker A: And then after all that, you just have, like, longer legs.
[00:12:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:48] Speaker A: You're not, like, equidistant tall, and you're not proportionally tall.
[00:12:54] Speaker B: I hear you have to be careful, too, because those legs could be weaker. Yeah.
[00:13:00] Speaker A: And, you know, I have friends who are really tall who feel self conscious about being too tall.
[00:13:04] Speaker B: Yeah. They're dumb.
Being hyped. Being tall is where it's at.
[00:13:09] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:13:09] Speaker B: I mean, to a limit. There's. I mean, also true. Like, Shaq is pushing it. Good thing he's, like, a basketball star, right?
[00:13:16] Speaker A: But, like, Shaq was just out in the world.
[00:13:18] Speaker B: There's something about a tall guy, though, right? Everybody knows, specifically with white guys. I don't know if it's just my experience. Everybody knows a tall, jovial white guy that just earns everybody's respect just by being present. Like, what's that guy's name? Oh, that's Steve. Like, oh, Steve fucking rocks. He's a good. He's a solid guy. He's like, steve has said two words to you, right?
[00:13:39] Speaker A: You're saying that he just, like, you're saying a tall, handsome white dude, like, has to do very little to.
[00:13:45] Speaker B: And I'll say even the handsome doesn't even have to be like, because the height ratio, the height to handsome, you don't even have to be that handsome. You're just tall. And you could see girls light up, like, oh, my gosh. Yeah, Steve is so funny.
[00:13:57] Speaker A: Yeah. But, like, Steve is okay by the same turn. I mean, like, a, you know, thin, big breasted woman can walk into the room and say nothing.
[00:14:06] Speaker B: And how big is her brain, though, right?
[00:14:09] Speaker A: The thing you're always asking, the thing you're constantly asking.
[00:14:12] Speaker B: The physical size of her brain.
[00:14:14] Speaker A: Yeah. You're into it in a weird, like, the weird way where they measured skulls in the.
[00:14:20] Speaker B: How many wrinkles does her brain have?
[00:14:23] Speaker A: Yeah. That's your favorite thing. You love a wrinkled. No, but you see what I'm saying?
[00:14:27] Speaker B: Yeah, I do know what you mean.
[00:14:29] Speaker A: I'm not saying either one is good. I'm just saying, I mean, it goes both. It cuts both ways.
[00:14:33] Speaker B: They can't help it. You know what I'm saying? It's not their fault. You can't help what you look like.
[00:14:38] Speaker A: Can't help what you look like. And some people say you can't help what you're attracted to.
[00:14:43] Speaker B: Hot take I think you can. I think you can. You can try to program yourself.
[00:14:49] Speaker A: Yeah, I think so. I think also getting older is, like, making space for making space.
[00:14:57] Speaker B: Realities of life.
[00:14:58] Speaker A: The realities of life. And the reality of a person being a full person. Not just a projection of cultural messaging and pornography, just being like, oh, this is a full person in their full body. It's like, and I'm a full person in my full body. I always leave space for my full personhood in my body. Or I try to. So it's like, I have to extend the same, you know. Yeah, grace to this other person.
[00:15:25] Speaker B: I think getting older is definitely part of it. And it's weird, too, to, like, I think of. It's like, I think about, like, past people that I've, like, been with. Even if it's not like a sexual, like, you know, you have, like, I had many different girlfriends and stuff in, like, middle school.
[00:15:42] Speaker A: Sure. Yeah.
[00:15:43] Speaker B: And then I think about, like, oh, I wanted to, like, kiss this. I was also twelve, but I really wanted to kiss this twelve year old so bad. And that's like, a weird.
[00:15:52] Speaker A: That's gonna be cut down. That's gonna be cut down to a single line. I really wanted to. I'm not even gonna say it.
[00:15:58] Speaker B: No, don't say.
[00:15:59] Speaker A: Someone's gonna cut it down for me.
[00:16:00] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, I'll take that. I'll take the. Take the l. I'll take the l. But it is weird to think that, like, oh, okay.
That person, now that. Cause there's a girl that I follow on social media that I had a crush on in, like, elementary school, and we just followed each other. Cause, like, you know, at the time when Instagram would happen, Instagram and Facebook, like, pretty much everybody who you follow on Facebook, you started just following on Instagram. So we still follow each other, and every now and then we give, like, oh, heart to this or whatever, you know, like, random stuff. And, like, she has a kid and all this stuff. And it's weird thinking, like, oh, yeah, she's like, such a, like, a pretty woman, and it's just weird thing to be like, oh, yeah, I had a crush on her when she was eight, but I was also eight. Yeah, but that's just weird to me.
[00:16:43] Speaker A: And what's weird about it? You were mentally normal. I think she.
[00:16:46] Speaker B: I don't know.
[00:16:48] Speaker A: To get in there before anyone else.
[00:16:51] Speaker B: Well, that's so funny.
[00:16:52] Speaker A: You had a chance to sort of stake your claim early.
[00:16:54] Speaker B: No.
[00:16:55] Speaker A: You know, with a really attractive person, sometimes you gotta really make moves early.
[00:16:59] Speaker B: You gotta get in there early. Cause the possibilities just start growing. No, but it's just, even I think she's attractive now. I clearly, I would not be like.
[00:17:09] Speaker A: So she's not your type now?
[00:17:11] Speaker B: As an old person, I would not be into her now. You know what I'm saying? So it's just interesting how your tastes do change over time. And I think some of that is, like, who do you surround yourself with? Because I'll say, like, once I started being around a lot of funny women, it's like, oh, I can't go back. I can't date somebody who's like. Doesn't have a great sense of humor now. You know what I mean? And so it's like, I feel like just my proximity to a lot of funny women made me, like, want that.
[00:17:38] Speaker A: Funny women. Funny women. We both love funny women.
Get me a woman who can do a second beat. Bits on bits. So many skits, we could complete the.
[00:17:54] Speaker B: Third beat in the sheets. Yeah, I had to. Had to do that.
Yeah. I don't know. I think that's interesting. It's just like, people say, yeah, you can't help who you're attracted to, but I think you can. That's how that's. I mean, there's some things you can't help. Like, yo, a beautiful woman walks across the street in, like, a nice dress, and she looks great. Something inside me is just gonna be like, yep, that's an attractive woman.
[00:18:18] Speaker A: Sure.
[00:18:18] Speaker B: You can't quite help that. I don't have to say that out loud. My brain is definitely thinking that. So what I have to do, what a lot of people have to do, is be like, yes, attractive woman. Not a big deal. Next thing, right?
[00:18:31] Speaker A: It's like that constant balance between, like, the animal brain and the societal brain. Like, on one hand, you are like, um, you're a member of society. You're. You're cultural. You're a sophisticated. On the other hand, you're like a fucking animal.
[00:18:45] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm an animal.
[00:18:49] Speaker A: No, I'm a man.
[00:18:52] Speaker B: Yeah, but I'm an animal.
[00:18:54] Speaker A: Yes. And I'm a man.
[00:18:56] Speaker B: Yo, when I see your steak, I want to tear that steak up straight to the dome, and I don't give a fuck.
[00:19:03] Speaker A: No, I'll take a bite then. Another little bite. Chew a hundred single times.
[00:19:09] Speaker B: I'd rather eat it with my hands. Put it up till my lips chow down, man.
[00:19:13] Speaker A: No. Gotta savor every taste. This costs $45 at this place, yo.
[00:19:19] Speaker B: But I'm an animal.
[00:19:20] Speaker A: Anima.
[00:19:22] Speaker B: Animal and a man. An animal and a man.
[00:19:28] Speaker A: Yo, when you're talking to a lady, you gotta be nice. Invite her over. Make her up some chicken and rice. Yeah, cook her a really fine meal. That's the way that you're going to seal the deal.
[00:19:39] Speaker B: When I see your lady, all I do is sniff. I hit her over the head and drag her back to this. No. Cause I'm an animal.
[00:19:47] Speaker A: No, no, no. Not an animal. We get to know somebody, ask their interests. Yeah. Then we know what is the best way to approach. Show her that we care. Show her that of her personality. We're not scared.
[00:20:01] Speaker B: Yo, I see your lady, I start shaking. I say, ooh, how does she look? Naked. Yeah. I want to see those curves. I don't use my words and I don't learn.
[00:20:12] Speaker A: No, you're not an animal. You're a man. You're a man.
[00:20:17] Speaker B: You're saying I'm not an animal?
[00:20:19] Speaker A: You're a man. You're a man. Yeah. In the bedroom, lay down the flowers, make the lovemaking last for hours.
[00:20:28] Speaker B: In the bedroom, I get raw, I don't consider nothing. I'm a dog.
[00:20:33] Speaker A: Doggy style is just fine. But make sure that's something that she wants in her own time.
[00:20:38] Speaker B: She an animal, too, she ain't scared. She opened up the legs. Cause this girl is prepared.
[00:20:44] Speaker A: Now. Now, let's be nice. Make sure you put more chicken and rice on the bed. Show her you care.
[00:20:53] Speaker B: I put the chicken and the rice on the bed. She takes it up and smears it all over my head. She says, ooh, right there. There. Please. She likes that place that I rub in between both her knees.
[00:21:05] Speaker A: You're not an animal. You're a man. You're a man. Maybe you're both an animal and a.
[00:21:13] Speaker B: Man and a man by all.
Yeah. Chicken and rice. Chicken and rice all over the bed.
